Yugitarded
by Juunshi
Summary: Juunshi crack-ifies the Yu-Gi-Oh series because it needed to be done. What? How dare I post something that's NOT Fullmetal Alchemist-related? Eh. Too bad.
1. Death T5?

**I really, really felt like writing and making fun of YuGiOH volume 5 of the original series at the same time. Yup.**

**Oh, and sorry for making myself into an OC. Technically it's against the unspoken laws of fanfikshun, but this is crack: anything goes. :]**

* * *

"I summon the third Blue Eyes White Dragon!!!" Kaiba slapped his card down on the table in attack position with far too much unnecessary flourish. "Its attack points are 3000! It'll crush your Dark Magician's puny 2500 attack points! Now, ATTACK, MY DRAGON!!" The Blue Eyes attacked the Magician and the Magician went splodey.

"Erk!" said Yugi because it never occurred to him that 3000 was even a real number. And people definitely say things like 'erk' out loud because it doesn't make them sound stupid at ALL.

_Yes, Kaiba, you stupid dumbass, 3000 _is _a bigger number than 2500- who'd have known you could do _math_!_ Camille thought to herself as she ate popcorn and watched the corrupted game corporation owner and Yugi play a children's card game. Man, there's nothing better than eating overly buttered popcorn and watching a children's card game gone wrong. _That Yugi kid needs to get a haircut and a slap in the face from reality. This is _so_ stupid. His grandpa is in the hospital because of Seto- he could just sue the bastard and get millions of money! And Kiba would go to jail! It's a win-win situation, BUT NO, he _had_ to do it the hard way and take Kaiba's challenge and play a card game with him. For god's sake, what kind of a challenge is that, anyways?! It's a _card game_. A _CARD GAME_, DAMMIT!_

Meanwhile, Yugi was holding both a monologue with himself about friendship and the 'heart of the cards', a flashback about his friends drawing all over their hands, and a hallucination involving his wimpy, un-pubescent, nerdy self and his dying grandfather. How does he keep track of all these things going on in his head? Simple! He has no brain so there's plenty of room!

"Draw the last card of your pathetic life, Yugi! Do it!" Kaiba's eye twitched. Yugi cringed as another monologue drifted into his mind. Something about the cards being too far away and his friends all supporting him. Boy, I hate being the narrator of this shitty story. This is dumb. I quit- hire some other sucker.

We now inform you that the narrator of this story has been replaced by **me**! I'll do my best to narrate all the description-y actions of the characters that this epic, complicated and creative story requires! A-hyuk-hyuk!

_What the- _complicated_ and _creative_?! This shit can actually be called _creative_?! And if the cards are too far away, then go into puberty already and your arm will grow longer, you midget! Sheesh! You're in your, what, third year of high school, or something!? I'm only a freshman and people say _I'm_ short!_ Camille rolled her eyes and shot the new narrator with her gun that she had conveniently brought along for situations like this. Gee, narrators sure don't last long, do they?

Suddenly, Yugi looked over-confident, arrogant and smug. He must've finally finished that internal conversation that would've wasted 5 pages in the manga but actually have only lasted about 15 seconds in real life. With huge bubble-lettered 'BAM', 'B-DMP' and 'RMM-RMM-RMM' sound effects surrounding and nearly blocking his image completely, his hand reached over his deck, flipped the top card into his hand and he-

Nearly burst into tears. He had drawn Petit Angel, a normal card with 600 attack and 900 defense. It couldn't do _anything_. It was useless, just fucking _useless_!

Yugi murmured, "I… I…surrend-"

"NO YUGI, DON'T DO IT!"

"YOU CAN DO IT, YUGI!"

"YOU CAN MAKE A MIRACLE, YUGI!"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SEXY ALTER EGO, YUGI!" Yugi's 'friends' were yelling obnoxiously/'helping him' while being held at gunpoint by Kaiba's bodyguards a few meters away from the duel box.

"GODDAMMIT, YOU GUYS, SHUT UP AND LET ME QUIT! You guys haven't done _anything_ to help me! Jonouchi, you're a useless retarded delinquent! Honda, you're supposedly dead, so thanks a ton! Anzu, you're just the sex appeal and an excuse for an implied pairing for the fanfiction writers! I'm going to die for a _card game_- do you know how _cool_ that would be?! SO STFU, MOFOS!!!1!!1234eleven!$"

Kaiba's 'attack that monster' pointing hand twitched in joy. "Spoken like a true duelist and other whatshit statements, blah blah blah, rubbing this in your face, I have money, okay you die now. ATTACK, MY BLUE EYE-"

"FUCK THIS GAME!" Camille jumped out from the dark corner she was hiding in, burst into the duel box and shot Kaiba dead. Then she turned to Yugi. "I agreed with everything you just said except for the bit about dying for a card game. I was going to kill you, but I guess you can live on account that your hair defies the laws of physics and gravity and I'd love to figure out how to do that."

"What the hell, did you just kill my brother?!" Mokuba ran in with a shocked expression on his face. "No, no, no! How could you?! He was like family to me!"

"Uh, don't you mean 'He was, like, family to me'?"

"What are you talking about?! You just killed my brother! Now I'm going to kill you! Prepare yourself for 'The Experience Of Death'!" Mokuba pulled a big red button out from his pocket and pressed it. The door on the duel box locked and smoke began to fill the space.

"Oh shit, we're gonna die!!" Yugi screamed like a girl and pounded his fists against the glass walls of the box.

Camille took him by his midget shoulders and shook him violently. "Dude. It. Is. Computer. Graphics. It. Can. Not. Kill. Us. Understand?!" Yugi's neck snapped quite loudly and he fell to the ground. "Oh. Sorry about that, you might have needed an unbroken neck."

Suddenly, a huge, drooling, roaring, realistic-looking, CG animated dragon with really sharp teeth appeared in front of her face! It seemed to bite her head! The on looking crowds gasped in horror! Then, goblins with swords and other monsters with sharp objects started stabbing her still standing body. Smoke and mist swirled and roars and shrieks could be heard. Then, the mist turned more transparent, and a large buff gunman was standing there with a huge ridiculously pimped out cannon pointed at her head. Could this be the end for Camille?!

Camille poked her hand through the buff gunman's overly buff chest, and waved the CG smoke away. Then she pulled out her gun, shot the lock on the door, opened it, walked casually away to the elevator, and pushed the 'down' button. She faced the crowd, held up her fists, gave everyone the finger, and when the elevator dinged, she walked through the open doors and rode back down.

Suddenly, Yugi's extremely pointy hair poked a hole in the time-space continuum and a uranium bomb plopped down from the sky. It went boom and everybody died.

Moral: CG animation can't do anything unless it has a physical shape. Which it doesn't. That's why it's called Computer Generated. CG animation can only kill old grandpa card collectors.

THE END

* * *

**1,175 words, yay! OOH, IT'S 11:11 pm! And I just finished! Make a wish everyone! *extreme concentration face***

**Yeah, sorry if you think this fails. I really wanted to parody this without having to animate anything. (I'd usually make something like this into a youtube video or something.) Actually, if I get enough ideas to make a second and third chapter, maybe I will. Oh, and you people also have to think that it doesn't fail too badly. Yeah.**

**Review. :]**


	2. Not Battle City

**Yup. I actually made a chapter 2. You can shoot me now. Here- take my gun. I don't need it in this chapter anyways. Be sure to return it for the possible chapter 3, though. XD This chapter is written a bit differently than the last.**

* * *

"Yu-Gi-Oh Millennium World, volume 6, Duel 51: Until our _Ba_ runs out!"

Okay, y'know what? Stop right there.

First of all, why bother to include words like 'ba', 'ka' and 'heka'? They're annoying to read, and nobody will know what they mean. Oh, wait. It seems footnotes had to be added. See, if you have to add a footnote to explain something that could easily be replaced with a more understandable word, then don't bother adding the confusing word. Plus, the second I read that footnote, I'm probably going to forget what the words mean a few pages later. So you've added many footnotes in different places. How annoying to place, and how annoying to read, still! What's even more annoying to read than the words and the footnotes for the words, is the bolding and italicizing of all the words! It gives the impression that the character is saying the word with a lot of emphasis. So this is what Pharaoh Yugi could sound like with the word 'ba' and 'ka' emphasized:

"Oh no! My **BAH!** is almost gone! Wait! My friends are fighting using their own **KAH!**!"

Sounds stupid, right? Well, it sounds stupid to me. Wanna know what else seems stupid to me? The way Kazuki Takahashi designed Zorc. There is a dragon/snake/whatever the hell it is, protruding from Zorc's crotch. Don't act like you haven't noticed it before. I think we can all agree that Kazuki may have a vaguely perverted mind, or maybe it's not vague at all.

Now, this chapter has nothing to do with Millennium World, so forget about that for a while. So, rambling set aside, let's begin chapter two of Yugitarded.

*Yugi just won some random duel against some random evil character- how about Marik? Yeah, Marik. Okay. Good.*

"You did it, Yugi, you won!"

"Yaaaaaaay!"

"How do you feel?"

Midget Yugi smiled up at his friends/suckers. "Well, my life was threatened by the 'forces of darkness' in the form of a children's card game gone wrong, but luckily my more masculine alter ego did all the dirty work for me and I will now just completely take him for granted, take all his credit and always expect him to get me out of all my tight situations! Now let's go get hamburgers."

"Sorry, Yugi, we can't get hamburgers anymore!"

"Why not, Jonouchi?"

"Because your love of hamburgers disappeared after the first series ended! This is Battle City now! Your one and only love in this world is a children's card game. Hamburgers cannot share your heart anymore."

Yugi frowned. "Oh. I guess you're right. Then let's go eat some card games instead."

"Thattaboy, buddy!"

So Yugi and his companions went to go do boring stuff. Meanwhile, the one guy in the puzzle, we'll call him Yami just because we can, was thinking deeply about what Yugi had said. '_Hm. I _do_ do all the work and never receive my credit. They all just refer to me as Yugi. Oh, _Yugi_, good job winning that card game with your own skill, all by your lonesome, with _no help at all_. Please. And this scrawny kid _REALLY_ needs to go into puberty! I mean, I've seen actual _children_ who are taller than this midget high schooler!_'

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A MIDGET SO SHORT THAT HE COULD BE SQUASHED LIKE AN ANT," ranted Yugi.

'…_What the hell- where did _that_ come from!?'_

"Oh, sorry, Yami, the author forgot what series she was writing for," Yugi calmly explained. Bwahahaha, powrr 2 teh gud fanfikshun riter!!

Anyways.

Sugoruko Mutou was helping Yugi and Jonouchi train for the upcoming children's card game tournament in their high school. Hm. A _children_'s card in a high school for _teenagers_. Oh, say what? You're asking who the hell Sugoruko Mutou is? Why, he's Yugi's grandapapa, of course! But everyone seems to have forgotten his name. Poor Sugo-chanchan. Speaking of Yugi's relatives, he seems to have none. I mean, his mom showed up for only ten panels in volume five, but that's it. Knowing the world of fanfikshun, I'll bet you fans have filled in this parenthood blank with lots of angst and emo whatshits on Yugi's part, and stuff about his Mum and Dad's epic deaths and trauma at the hands of an evil dark wizard who must not be named. Blah blah blah, fans. Blah blah blah.

So, while Yugi, the other guy, and the grandpa played card games, Anzu went off to update her steamy lemony fanfics featuring her paired with a certain sexy alter ego of a golden puzzle, and Honda went off and killed his sister's (or some sort of family member's) perverted three-year-old baby, (Remember him? Ah, fuck it, nobody does.) beat up some kids, slept with Shizuka, got a dog, rode a motorcycle and slept with Shizuka again just because he could.

Everything was going fine and dandy when suddenly Kaiba showed up in his big-ass helicopter. What? You say he was dead? You say _I_ killed him?

Psh. Such lies from you readers.

"Yugi, I have something that I really want to rub in your face!"

"Go get laid, pretty-boy!" yelled Jonouchi.

"Shut up, I did last Thursday! Anyways, take a look at my super-special-awesome-golden-sexy-sparkly GOD CARD!!!" Epic anime action lines and DUN DUN DUN sound effects surrounded Kaiba and his Obelisk trading card.

"Hm. That's nice- HOLY SHIT, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!"

Kaiba smirked. "Some mysterious smokin' Egyptian chick gave it to me after showing me the most destiny-changing object in the world."

"Oh, it can't possibly get more destiny-changing than that super-special-awesome-golden-sexy-sparkly god card!" said Yugi.

"She showed me an ancient stone Egyptian inscription in hieroglyphs that the three god cards will change the world forever. Then I had a weird flashback and you were a pharaoh and I was still a big greedy asshole. Then the chick said she'd lend me this card, which I am never ever giving back by the way, and then after confirming that Mokuba hadn't been kidnapped or into hard drugs again, I came here to rub it in your puny un-pubescent face! Mwahaha!"

Yugi stared. "…So basically you looked at a giant rock and had some sort of weird-ass dream due to your intoxication."

"Yes!! …Wait, what was that about toxins?"

Then Ol' Grandpa Mutou ran out brandishing a broom at Kaiba. "This is bullshit! Get off my lawn, you greedy egotistical bastard! I was in the hospital due to your fancy-shmancy computerized images!"

Then Camille actually looked at the shit she had written. To end the pitiful existence of this sad excuse of a fic, she had Marik and Yami mind crush everyone to the shadow realm. After that, she had them have a steamy yaoi lemon where Evil Bakura randomly popped up and started angsting about Marik cheating on him, just to fuck with the readers' minds.

**THE END**

Epilogue:

Yami: _I don't even have my own name. How unfitting for a great pharaoh such as I! I know! I'll get Kazuki to make a whole series dedicated to getting me a name! Oh, please, O Awesome Creator! Give me a dedicated Name Arc!_

Kaz: ………No. That's a dumb idea and I'm overworked as it is. You're already a main character! I draw you enough! What more do you want from me?

Yami: _…What if I mind crush you to the shadow realm?_

Kaz: Dude, I created that place. Of course I know how to escape it.

Yami: _What?! But you always emphasize, actually more like over emphasize, about how inescapable it is!_

Kaz: Shut up. I'm the creator. I do what I want.

Yami: _...Fine! Let's settle our differences like everyone else in this series does! We'll play children's card game!_

Kaz: Okay. I summon Uber Ultra Kazuki with 999,999 attack points and activate its special effect in which it gets to attack you the millisecond it's summoned. You lose. No Arc for you.

Yami: _Hey! That card doesn't exist in the manga or anime and it's not for sale or retail! WTF, man?!_

Kaz: What do you expect?! I'm the creator- I can draw and make up whatever cards I want!

Yami: _You've left me no choice. *Ahem* (High pitched girly voice) Jonouchi-chaaan!~ Come in here!~ I have something important to confess to you!~_

Kaz: …You wouldn't DARE!!

Yami: _*smirk* Jo-jo-chaaan!~ I'm Gee~ay~why-_

Kaz: No!! 4kids would censor my whole series and replace me with *shudder* pirates! Okay! Fine! You can have your fucking series!

And so, YuGiOh Millennium World was created! But not before 4kids replaced YuGiOh anyways due to Kazuki's 'horrificly crude language' with unbleeding immortal pirates. Ha.

**THE END, BITCH**

* * *

**1441 words of shit-crack. That's 263 more words than last time. I feel a bit proud. I'll enjoy it while I can before I get some huge flame. XD Well, I hope you enjoyed it all the same. :D**

**Thanks to Mr. Mc 4kids for telling me Shizuka's real name.**

**Someone is going to sue someone for refrencing Little Kuriboh. *shuffles away***

**I'm thinking the next chapter will be about the Magical Land of 4kids featuring none other than the company lead himself, Mr. Mc4kids! ...I said I'm _thinking_ about it.**


End file.
